The Bachelor Synopsis for Last Night


First of all, Vienna got to go on a one-on-one date with Jake, which was bungee-jumping. They're both terrified of heights. If only she was terrified of heights it would have been one thing, but he was so scared she really didn't have room to be scared at all, so she sucked it up and they jumped, and kissed upside down, and had a nice date and it went really well and she got a rose. Which pissed off EVERYONE ELSE because they all hate her.

Then there was a group date to Jon Lovitz's comedy club at Universal Studios, where the girls had to be the comedians and there was actually a real audience. Everyone was pretty unfunny, but CORY (I didn't know her until this episode) did her impression of everyone in the house. Everyone laughed gamely when she did her impression of them, but she spent most of her time mocking Vienna, which surprised Jake because he learned that everyone hates her (and of course Vienna wasn't there since it was the next night after her date). But when Michelle's turn came, she said this raunchy crap about how there are no coconuts on the prop trees on the stage because they're on her chest, and how she noticed that there's a little golf green on the stage but she's waiting for her one on one date so she can get a HOLE IN ONE. Nobody laughed at any of these jokes because everyone in the audience was completely horrified at how disgusting she was.



That night, at the "wrap" party, several people, including Ali from last week, who seems to be so confident in her own position that she will tell the crazies what she thinks of them (I kind of like this, and definitely like her with Jake, but fear she might need to shut it before Jake sees her mouthing off) told Jake of their severe disappointment in the fact that he a) TOOK Vienna on a date and b) KEPT her after the date. During this party, and the chats between the women while Jake was off on his private time with each lady, Michelle began to show signs of how unhinged she has really become. She began to cry when their "concerned citizen" approach broke her down, and stormed off to sit alone. Jake came to sit with her, but was up to his neck in his own bullshit, after hearing all the crap about Vienna.


Switch to present tense: So he sits down, hoping for a refuge from all that business, and tells her he's had a really hard night. She admits that she, too, has had a hard night, and begins to explain that it's really difficult "being here" and "doing this" - as if he hasn't been in her position before, and as if, frankly, a self-aware person wouldn't know herself well enough to be like, listen. Am I single and would I like to marry? Yes. Do I want to date someone while simultaneously living in the same house with a bunch of other women who are also dating him, and have it televised? NO! I don't. I just don't. And it's not because there's something wrong with me, it's because that's a lot of freaking pressure and it's actually MORE NORMAL to not do that than to do it. But I digress, because there obviously is something wrong with her. So anyway, she tells him that she doesn't think she can stay. But if he wants her to and asks her to, she will. And would it be really awkward if she asked if she can kiss him? Because she needs to know whether she feels something, anything. So at this point you can tell he's wanting to either drown her or himself. But he kisses her - gives her a long, but closed-mouth, kiss. And at the end of it, she's like, "That's all I get?" And he's like, "Look. You packed your bags LAST week because you didn't know if you could do this. I'm not going to give you a rose that someone else definitely knows they want. Let's get you outta here." Puts her in a cab and GUH - BYE."


The next date was a one-on-one, with Ella from LaFollette, TN. She's the one that has a son that wants to be a pilot. And her birthday was the previous episode and he had just found out about it like at the rose ceremony night. Well, totally ripped off from last season, he surprised her by flying her son out and taking them to Sea World. Blah, you're way Southern and a single mom and he rented an amusement park for you for your birthday. It would be more interesting if he could have thought of ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD to do besides the exact same thing they did last year. And she got a rose. Shock and awe. Like you wouldn't get a rose after that.


There was also this "touching" scene where Vienna, who at this point has certainly deluded herself into thinking that she is Cinderella and everyone else is the ugly stepsisters, apologized to everyone in the house and claimed she would be nicer. This after everyone in the house has stabbed her in the back to Jake. Too little too late, my friend, as the stabbers admitted to what they'd done and said this apology rings a little hollow. Vienna collapsed into tears after declaring the apology very "hard for me".


This brings us to the Cocktail Party the night of the Rose Ceremony, which I will describe in the present tense, as that's just easier for me. First, Jake takes Elizabeth for some private time. She initiates the conversation by asking if he gives good back rubs. He says yes. She says she isn't dressed for it, but will remember that for a future one-on-one date. Jake, who is essentially losing his shit with the entire Bachelor process at this point, more or less accuses Elizabeth of being a tease. She's taken aback. He tells her that he has friends who have abstained from being physical for spiritual reasons, but that's obviously not the reason she asked him not to kiss her. And she said, correct. And he's just irritated. But before she can explain or they can reach any resolution, VIENNA comes up and interrupts them. Elizabeth says, "We're really right in the middle of something," but Vienna doesn't care. So Jake walks off. Elizabeth gets really upset and tells the other girls what happened. Ali is enraged and snaps at Vienna afterward - I mean, Vienna HAS A FREAKIN ROSE, let the other girls save themselves at this juncture, right??? But whatever. So, Elizabeth finds him again and tries to explain, but he is kind of over it. So that's the semi-shocker to me - at the ceremony, he didn't give her a rose.


And then the third one, dark hair, tan skin, has kids? I literally don't know her name and when they said goodbye I was like, I haven't even seen you before. So I guess I'm not going to miss her.


And so concludes my synopsis.