The Bachelor Synopsis for Tonight

The show opened with the girls being given the news from Chris Harrison that a) this week there will be one one-on-one date, one group date, and one two-on-one date. Also, they are leaving the house in the hour forever! And their new home will be: two RVs, which are parked out front.

Ali, Tenley, and three others go in one, whereas Vienna, Gia, Cory and someone else go in the other.

The first stop is a winery, where they meet Jake. It didn't occur to any of the girls to get pretty or put on cute clothes while in the RVs, so they're kind of slovenly. Jake asks how they feel about camping, and points out that he has his own tent over there - and Vienna steps up and says she loves camping, "We talked about this," and hugs him, which pisses everyone off. Jake hands Gia a card, which turns out to be the one-on-one date card, for her.

Vienna in the confessional: Jake's a Southern boy, Gia's a New Yorker. I don't think this is going to work.

Jake shaves, Gia gets ready. He's not sure how he feels about her yet, or what to expect from a city girl in the middle of a vineyard. She's getting a bit fancy for such a country setting, but it's her first one-on-one with him, so she's psyched.

Vienna: she is totally wrong for him! It's not going to work. (Hey Vienna, this is the ONLY person in the house who's nice to you, so STFU.)

Jake and Gia play hide and seek among the grapes. "Feels like the beginning of a fairy tale" to Jake. They have a picnic on a blanket and she admits to being a nerd in school, and getting her bookbag stolen all the time. He admits he never had a date because he was too shy. She admits her first kiss was horrible and happened during a game of spin the bottle. They finish a bottle of wine and agree to play right then. Mwuablauhyuahbluah.

The other girls decide to act like coyotes and howl. ? Then they get the group date card. That includes everyone except Gia (obviously), Ella, and Kathryn (who will be the two-on-one date later, and now are very tense, because one of them is definitely going home).

Jake and Gia have a nice time at his tent. He asks what she imagines it would be like if she's the one he picks, and she says a long engagement, marriage for a few years before kids, two kids of their own and an adopted girl from China. She has smores in her hair.

He's impressed that the city girl was totally down with hot dogs and smores and not a diva about it, and all was sweet with them. In her confessional, she throws all her hair over one shoulder and says she hasn't felt like this in "a year and a half," which kind of took the wind out of it for me, I'll admit it.

Group date time - Vienna is glad to be on a date with him, but not a GROUP date, because "He's my boyfriend" so why are the others there? but whatever. They drive dune buggies. Ali calls shotgun with him. Vienna in the confessional: do what you like, because I'm the one that's going to marry him.

Jake ends up having a great time with...TENLEY while sandboarding (snowboarding on the sand).

Then he wants to roll down the hill, but the only one willing to do that is...CORY. She has decided it's time to piss or get off the pot, and he's glad she's opening up.

They get to this inn, and the girls clean up (one claims she's glad she's "finally" getting a real shower after the RV...um you've been in that RV for a DAY) and he starts the one-on-one process. It starts with Ashleigh. She's all up in his business, laying it on way thick. He notices how smoking she is, but in the confessional he says he has no chemistry with her. She tells him she should get the rose. He goes back out and tries to take Vienna next, but she wants to go LAST. Waah-waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So he takes Ali, who again mentions how hard it is to show affection when there are so many others around. She asks what he's thinking about, going into the rose ceremony. He says he's not worried about it, he's counting the moment. I personally feel like she's starting to screw it up.

Back at the other RV, Chris has sent a card saying, two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes. Cold-blooded!

Ella starts boo-hooing.

Jake's one-on-one-ing with Tenley, wanting to make sure she's over her ex-husband. He was a policeman; another girl started working there, Tenley learned it through phone bills. She hasn't dated since then, but that doesn't make Jake nervous. He's lying in her lap. He smooches her. He sits up and smooches her.

Here comes VIENNA. Duh, duh, Dunhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The girls muse about whether they think she'll go home...Vienna schemes about how being last could get her the rose. Jake tells her he thinks she brings on the ire of the other girls, and "sometimes it's better just to not say anything." Vienna wants to know if there's anything else they can talk about, what else he thinks about her. He tells her to wait and see, but tells the confessional he sees red flags.

Rose time: he wants to give it to someone he may have ignored in the beginning, and tonight he's giving it to Tenley, thanking her for being patient.

Cory is frustrated. Ashleigh is shocked, thinking that Tenley is too bubbly.

DRIVING UP THE COAST AGAIN

Ella is concerned about the two-on-one date, as Kathryn will be there and this will be kind of miserable. They get to Big Sur, and Jake welcomes everyone. Ella and Kathryn pack and prepare. Ella's really worried about the Kathryn factor, whereas Kathryn just mentions in her confessional that she thinks he could be her soul mate.

Jake wants to open his heart to them in an intimate dinner in his cabin; Ella starts the conversation asking him what he's looking for; he answers and asks what she wants. As she's speaking, Kathryn interrupts rudely but backs off and allows Ella to speak. Then he takes Ella outside for some private time. He says he loves Ethan (her son) but she tells him she is more than just a mom, and she's a whole package. And he tells her that the reason she's there tonight is that if he isn't sure about her, he doesn't want to keep her from Ethan.

Kathryn gets alone time now...he's been wanting to talk to her all night. (Mind you, she's pissed off, because she feels like he never pays any attention to her.) She spends her entire alone time bitching at him for holding back, and he says that she is so beautiful, he is being cautious. She claims that they have a great start together but it has progressed slowly in some ways and faster in others. I don't know what she's talking about, I've never seen them together, adn if I did, it's so forgettable, *poof*! Be gone.

He sends Ella home. Why did they even cast her? All they did was regurgitate last year's single mother episode - completely ridiculous. Bad bad bad. At least Jason and Stephanie had some chemistry last year. Or seemed to? Or something? This is a joke.

She tells him, "Be wise in who you choose," and gets into the waiting limo. He whispers, "Thank you, Ella," exhales, and goes back into the cabin. Tells Kathryn there were a lot of things she said, and that she is going to meet a guy that's going to sweep her off her feet, and he wants to be that guy, but his heart is telling him he's not that guy.

BOO-YAH, he sends her home too. "I thought I had a rose...I mean, did anyone see that coming at all? I don't get it."

The other girls see the luggage of both ladies disappearing, and start to cry.

Ella is "hoping Jake doesn't crash and burn, and makes the right decisions, because if he doesn't...God help him."

Very dramatic music. Cue Jake tossing the rose into the fire.

Now they're at a big white mansion. They prepare for the rose ceremony. Jake takes Corrie, which is the right way to spell her name, for some private time. She is jokey and fun. He makes her promise to keep opening up, she says it's a deal. He comes back and grabs Ali, and brings her outside, and she says she thinks he did the honorable thing by letting both Ella and Kathryn go last night and admits she's falling for him, and he's so happy and kisses her and says sometimes they don't even have to say anything (and you know all is well with them) and it's all good. He goes back in and gets Jessie, and she tells him Vienna is bad for him and crashes cars and her daddy pays for it. He appreciates hearing that. He takes Vienna outside and she doesn't want him to listen to all those other girls and wants to know what his friends and family will think about her. You can tell that he finally thinks she's batshit.

ROSE CEREMONY:

So, Tenley and Gia already have roses. Ali and Corrie get roses. Vienna, Ashleigh, and Jessie are left, and he makes them hang on. He goes to Chris Harrison and asks if he really HAS to give out two more roses or if he can send two more people home. DAMN, this dude is on a roll.

Who gets the final rose?

Who, you ask?

FREAKIN VIENNA.

Ashleigh would rather walk back to her home state than take the limo, from what I can tell.

They're going to San Francisco now. And he's falling for all of them. But the scenes from next week look GOOD.

The Bachelor Synopsis for Last Night


First of all, Vienna got to go on a one-on-one date with Jake, which was bungee-jumping. They're both terrified of heights. If only she was terrified of heights it would have been one thing, but he was so scared she really didn't have room to be scared at all, so she sucked it up and they jumped, and kissed upside down, and had a nice date and it went really well and she got a rose. Which pissed off EVERYONE ELSE because they all hate her.

Then there was a group date to Jon Lovitz's comedy club at Universal Studios, where the girls had to be the comedians and there was actually a real audience. Everyone was pretty unfunny, but CORY (I didn't know her until this episode) did her impression of everyone in the house. Everyone laughed gamely when she did her impression of them, but she spent most of her time mocking Vienna, which surprised Jake because he learned that everyone hates her (and of course Vienna wasn't there since it was the next night after her date). But when Michelle's turn came, she said this raunchy crap about how there are no coconuts on the prop trees on the stage because they're on her chest, and how she noticed that there's a little golf green on the stage but she's waiting for her one on one date so she can get a HOLE IN ONE. Nobody laughed at any of these jokes because everyone in the audience was completely horrified at how disgusting she was.



That night, at the "wrap" party, several people, including Ali from last week, who seems to be so confident in her own position that she will tell the crazies what she thinks of them (I kind of like this, and definitely like her with Jake, but fear she might need to shut it before Jake sees her mouthing off) told Jake of their severe disappointment in the fact that he a) TOOK Vienna on a date and b) KEPT her after the date. During this party, and the chats between the women while Jake was off on his private time with each lady, Michelle began to show signs of how unhinged she has really become. She began to cry when their "concerned citizen" approach broke her down, and stormed off to sit alone. Jake came to sit with her, but was up to his neck in his own bullshit, after hearing all the crap about Vienna.


Switch to present tense: So he sits down, hoping for a refuge from all that business, and tells her he's had a really hard night. She admits that she, too, has had a hard night, and begins to explain that it's really difficult "being here" and "doing this" - as if he hasn't been in her position before, and as if, frankly, a self-aware person wouldn't know herself well enough to be like, listen. Am I single and would I like to marry? Yes. Do I want to date someone while simultaneously living in the same house with a bunch of other women who are also dating him, and have it televised? NO! I don't. I just don't. And it's not because there's something wrong with me, it's because that's a lot of freaking pressure and it's actually MORE NORMAL to not do that than to do it. But I digress, because there obviously is something wrong with her. So anyway, she tells him that she doesn't think she can stay. But if he wants her to and asks her to, she will. And would it be really awkward if she asked if she can kiss him? Because she needs to know whether she feels something, anything. So at this point you can tell he's wanting to either drown her or himself. But he kisses her - gives her a long, but closed-mouth, kiss. And at the end of it, she's like, "That's all I get?" And he's like, "Look. You packed your bags LAST week because you didn't know if you could do this. I'm not going to give you a rose that someone else definitely knows they want. Let's get you outta here." Puts her in a cab and GUH - BYE."


The next date was a one-on-one, with Ella from LaFollette, TN. She's the one that has a son that wants to be a pilot. And her birthday was the previous episode and he had just found out about it like at the rose ceremony night. Well, totally ripped off from last season, he surprised her by flying her son out and taking them to Sea World. Blah, you're way Southern and a single mom and he rented an amusement park for you for your birthday. It would be more interesting if he could have thought of ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD to do besides the exact same thing they did last year. And she got a rose. Shock and awe. Like you wouldn't get a rose after that.


There was also this "touching" scene where Vienna, who at this point has certainly deluded herself into thinking that she is Cinderella and everyone else is the ugly stepsisters, apologized to everyone in the house and claimed she would be nicer. This after everyone in the house has stabbed her in the back to Jake. Too little too late, my friend, as the stabbers admitted to what they'd done and said this apology rings a little hollow. Vienna collapsed into tears after declaring the apology very "hard for me".


This brings us to the Cocktail Party the night of the Rose Ceremony, which I will describe in the present tense, as that's just easier for me. First, Jake takes Elizabeth for some private time. She initiates the conversation by asking if he gives good back rubs. He says yes. She says she isn't dressed for it, but will remember that for a future one-on-one date. Jake, who is essentially losing his shit with the entire Bachelor process at this point, more or less accuses Elizabeth of being a tease. She's taken aback. He tells her that he has friends who have abstained from being physical for spiritual reasons, but that's obviously not the reason she asked him not to kiss her. And she said, correct. And he's just irritated. But before she can explain or they can reach any resolution, VIENNA comes up and interrupts them. Elizabeth says, "We're really right in the middle of something," but Vienna doesn't care. So Jake walks off. Elizabeth gets really upset and tells the other girls what happened. Ali is enraged and snaps at Vienna afterward - I mean, Vienna HAS A FREAKIN ROSE, let the other girls save themselves at this juncture, right??? But whatever. So, Elizabeth finds him again and tries to explain, but he is kind of over it. So that's the semi-shocker to me - at the ceremony, he didn't give her a rose.


And then the third one, dark hair, tan skin, has kids? I literally don't know her name and when they said goodbye I was like, I haven't even seen you before. So I guess I'm not going to miss her.


And so concludes my synopsis.